Being A Giver

photo from tumblr.com

I have always considered myself to be a very giving person. I find great satisfaction in doing things for people, whether it be surprising them on their birthday with some homemade cookies, or just doing my best to cheer them up when they're down. It's been in my nature for as long as I can remember. I care about everyone and everything, maybe a bit too much sometimes. I believe that every little living thing on this planet has a purpose, otherwise why would it be here? I've been blessed, but cursed, with an extremely sensitive heart, which is good, but in times when you are trying to be angry or taken seriously, it often only makes problems worse. 

I constantly give, and constantly am trying to please everyone. I enjoy it, but sometimes I find it can all be a bit exhausting. I focus so much on others, I don't give myself enough to time to myself. To sort out my problems, to make myself happy, because, well, I've always been the girl who does everything for everyone else and worries about herself later. My art professor told me that Cancer signs are the glue of everything, and I think this is true. Everyone is so used to seeing me well put together and composed that when I crumble, they panic because they don't know what to do. After 18 years of doing this though, I'm starting to find that it might be a bit unhealthy. 

The thing about being the way I am is that people begin to rely on you, or they know that at the end of the day, you'll be there no matter what they do or how they treat you. Sometimes I think, "When am I going to get it all back? When is someone going to do something for me?" Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people in my life who fulfill what I need, but there are times when you just wish someone could read your mind and do it without you having to ask. I often take these feelings out on people. I think, if I'm working my butt off for you, why can't you work your butt off for me? You're my number one priority, why am I not yours? And then I realize, not everyone is like me, which isn't a bad thing. The world needs diversity, needs to be balanced. If every human being was giving and caring and sensitive, the world would either be too perfect, or crumble when one tiny conflict erupted.

 This mindset I hold also does not help the anxiety I struggle with. I care a lot about what people think. Not in the sense of what I wear or where I live or what car I drive, more in a way of the kind of person I am. If someone has a bad opinion of me, I will worry about it. I'll lay in bed at night and think, "what did I do to make that person feel that way and how can I make it better?" Last Friday at a football game a girl waved at me, and I didn't notice until my boyfriend pointed it out. For the rest of the game I worried if she was upset with me, if she thought I didn't like her, because my main goal in life is to please everyone. Which again, isn't good. 

I know I need to work on this. Sometimes I do need to put myself before others. This doesn't mean I'm going to become selfish and will never do anything for anyone ever again, but there should be a time when I need to just relax and do what I want. 

Today I decided I would make a list of things I could do to focus on myself. If you struggle with the same things I do, maybe this will help you as well. 

1. Don't apologize for something if it isn't your fault. 
2. If you don't want to go somewhere or do something, don't force yourself to. Your friends, family, etc. will forgive you.
3. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, and there will always be at least one person in the world who doesn't like you, even if they don't have a reason.
4. Don't expect everyone to be able to read your mind. If something bothers you, express it.
5. Don't always jump to conclusions. Don't think just because someone hasn't done something for you, that they don't love you or care about you. Sometimes people just forget.
6. Take more baths, drink more water, light some candles and read your favorite book. Every once in a while, just take an hour or two to make yourself happy
7. When it all seems like a bit too much, just breathe.

Every time a problem arises, and I begin to panic, or get angry for whatever reason. From now on I just need to tell myself, "Baylei, not everyone is like you, and that's okay." Not everyone is going to cry when they hit a bunny while driving or save an ant instead of killing it. The world needs balance. A quote by Maxwell Maltz states, "Man maintains his balance, poise and sense of security only as if he is moving forward." So that's what I must do from now on, just move forward.

P.S. Don't think I am this little fragile butterfly who cries under the ounce of any pressure. I can hold my own when I need to ;)